Brooding in Bodø

Sitting in the saloon of Polar Bear all by my lonesome. And it’s…wonderful. Given my earlier anchor-watch posts, I’m sure that sentiment isn’t surprising to anyone, but…just thought I’d throw it out there. The midnight sunshine from the boat is gorgeous, with some clouds to reflect the light and glow in a pink-orange tint reminiscent of alpenglow on a mountaintop. It was just six minutes ago that the sun “set” and started up again…all of which took place above the horizon (but below the neighboring mountains, as you can see).

The view from Polar Bear’s hatch in the Bodø harbor at 1:02am…

In addition to the light, what’s interesting about right now is that I’m currently in the situation I’ve sought for some time…and I have no clearer thoughts about a path than I did when such a situation seemed so far off.

Throughout most (if not all) of the past several weeks’ worth of trips with clients, I’ve often thought, “If only I were here in my own boat, with friends rather than paying customers, on a schedule of our own choosing, this would be perfect.” Well, now I have some of that — I’m on a boat by myself in a harbor in an awesome place — and I haven’t had any life-shattering bursts of insight anytime in the last little while. Certainly no exultations along the lines of “yeah! THIS is what I was after, baby!”

…and at 1:54am

Not that I really expected any. But what is very interesting (to me, anyway) is that my internal dialogue has revolved around a question I hadn’t anticipated: do I really want to go cruising? That’s surprising because for so long (hell, back to my teenage years many centuries ago) the question was never DO I want to go cruising but always WHEN and HOW will I go cruising. The dream for me was always a sailboat, my surfboards and other toys, and…buh-bye. And now that I have some semblance of that image, it’s not an affirmation or even a negation that arises, but rather a new and unforeseen emotion. A question, actually, that I thought had been asked and answered so long ago but now seems scarily current: do you really want to go cruising? Do you REALLY want to go cruising?

And the answer is: I don’t know. Before it all seemed so clear-cut. And now that I’ve been out there tasting the dream in ever-so-small morsels, what I’d be leaving behind looms larger. I can go tomorrow, if I so choose. The question now is: do I so choose?

The old saying that you don’t know what ya got till it’s gone is powerful because reality usually frames the saying as: “you didn’t know what ya had till you threw it away.” I’ve already thrown a lot of things — important things, to me — away to chase this dream, so this lack of clarity, this doubt, that has arisen is a wee bit troubling. As a result, sitting here in the saloon of Polar Bear all by lonesome, I’m now WAY inside my head…and as you folks know: it ain’t pretty when I get deep into my head. So…stay tuned and we’ll see how it turns out.

But in the meantime, it really was a beautiful twilight from the boat this evening.

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